Meditation

I know what most people, especially Christians, in the West think of when they read this word. It evokes an image of a little robed guru sitting in the lotus position, surrounded by burning incense, hands in funny shapes, eyes closed, and humming a bunch of nonsense. It is automatically connected with Eastern religions, and thus dismissed as either irrelevant or even occult.

*Movie announcer voice* Until now...

I find it unfortunate that it has to be this way. In my own times of thought and time with God it has occurred to me that such a practice is not only not inherently wrong, but it is, when applied properly, actually quite beneficial. Consider Psalm 46:10 (ESV) - "Be still, and know that I am God." as well as Matthew 6:5 (ESV) - "But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret." It is clear that God wants us to have a time alone, in silence, with Him, a time where we can listen far more than we speak.

Why meditation, then? Consider that the entire point of meditation is to gain spiritual awareness and open oneself to wisdom and connection with that which pervades the universe, and in some cases, such as Taoism, to destroy the ego, and thereby bring about an automatic selflessness. This is, as far as I can see, perfectly in line with following Jesus. While speaking has its place, listening is greater.

You don't have to sit in the lotus position, hum odd chants, or make hand symbols. The overall point is that you are getting still, silent, and isolated, and making yourself open to hearing from the Holy Spirit...the Supreme Pure One.

Tutor

I'm not sure which of these is more likely; that people associate the word "tutor" with "miracle worker," or that I'm merely witnessing another manifestation of our society's obsession with instant gratification. I've had my name on the tutor contact list with the Mathematics Department for several semesters now, and each semester several things have happened without fail.

One of these is that most of my clients I see only once or twice. Now, sometimes this is because they simply want some help understanding specific material for the upcoming test. But what perplexes me is that there will be the student that claims to be ridiculously lost in a particular subject, but is never seen nor heard from again, by me, after the first or second session, even when I try to contact this person. It seems that the results I delivered right away were unsatisfactory, and thus this makes it obvious that I'm not a good tutor. Patience may be a virtue, but it's un-American.

Another prime example supporting my hypotheses always occurs at the closing of the semester. I suddenly experience a flood of emails from terrified students who have been behind all semester and now need to understand it all a week before the final exam (this is not speculation; these are there own words). It should be pretty obvious, I think: if you don't get something when you do the homework, take quizzes and midterms, then you probably won't get it before the final exam. We can't make you understand a semester's worth of material in three hours. That's why it takes a semester to teach. To any students or friends/family of students who are having problems in a class: Get help early! I always tell my clients (that actually stick with me) that if (s)he is having trouble getting the money to pay me, I will gladly cut my rate back, because I want to help him/her.

Thankfully, this semester I have one client who is sticking with me. He's willing to take my advice, and though sometimes I have to go over things several times, he is able to figure out why I tell him the things I tell him. I still remember a peer that I tutored once several semesters ago, in business calculus. He commented to me, "You've taught me more in an hour and half than my teacher has in a month and half." That's the good thing about calculus: it's an actual cumulative course, as are other higher-level courses that few people take, so getting the fundamental concepts down can make the entire thing much easier. It does unnerve me, though, to hear about how little some teachers seem to care about their students learning, particular those that teach courses generally taken by non-majors of mathematics, and/or how little they seem to understand the material themselves, in order to be able to explain it clearly to their students. It does make me excited, though, to have the chance to be a teaching assistant and hopefully help reverse the "I don't get math; math sucks" mindset in some students' heads. And, if nothing else, the aloof and incompetent nature of math teachers will always supply me with tutoring clientele.

Accepted

I received an email today informing me that the graduate mathematics department at Bowling Green State University has granted me admission into their program. Needless to say, I am beyond excitement. The program is solid, and I have another reason for wanting to be at that particular school; namely, the fact that I will be very close to another Vikarbyrgi member, Ethan Boyd. If the graduate school (different from the graduate department) accepts me, then I can move up there and there can be a lot more collaboration on Vikarbyrgi's material (as well as material for other coneptualised projects and possibly even some that aren't even a thought yet).

I was disheartened when I received the rejection email from the University of Washington. I could, of course, go on all day about how it's a small program but in very demand, etc, but I believe the underlying thing to realise is this: it's not where God wants me.

Is Bowling Green where God wants me? I don't know at this point, as I am still waiting on a few more schools to inform me of their decisions. I am, however, very excited at the possibilities I now have. To be honest, I wouldn't mind that much if the University of Texas gives me a better deal, given that I dearly miss Austin, and everything it has that Lubbock does not. I have some good friends here, but I still would not pass up an opportunity to go somewhere else with more potential for growth and for using my talents to glorify God.

One thing I am also waiting anxiously for, now, is knowing whether or not I will get a teaching assistantship. This will be a massive financial help during graduate school, if I get it.

Show me the money

This is one of those things that has come in stages, but that's no surprise, because rarely does otherwise. The earliest point at which I believe I became conscience of it would be last April, or so. I was praying, and suddenly found myself making an all-too-familiar appeal: "Lord, I know she's out there somewhere. Please show her to me."

Of course, "she" is whoever I will (hopefully) end up marrying someday. At this point I was struggling very heavily (and it occasionally hits me still) with being lonely.

But something hit me in the face right then and I stopped, dazed. I then took a deep breath and asked "Make me who she will need me to be."

That right there opened a can of worms, of course, and has led to a whole new walk of life ever since. It doesn't just apply to being a husband; I ask to be the best friend, employee, co-worker, classmate, student, bandmate, son, brother, and even father one day. I feel this is the whole point of faith: not approaching God's will wanting to be sure that we'll be rewarded (here one may make the analogy to the scene from Jerry McGuire), but instead simply going on and receiving a whole new perspective. Hopefully it continues; the possibilities are scary and exciting at the same time.

Limit

These are the rought draft lyrics to another song composed for Vikarbyrgi. The main idea is pretty evident, I think. It is to understand that God has us where we are for a reason, and that if we are faithful and put our trust in His plans, we'll do more that we would ever have thought.

His heart was true.
He wished for more than his five (talents)
In order to return more for his Master.
So he toiled and sweated and bled

Until he was unrecognizable;
Yet he could no add a second to the day
Nor an inch to his height.
At last his knees gave way,
And he fell on his face before his Master.
"Why is it so futile for me to try
To acquire more to give to You?"

In the silence came the reply:
"Had you any more,
You would not be where I want you to be.
There is still much to do here.
Be content to do as much as you can
With what you have,
And I will be just as pleased.
I see the purity of your heart,
But do not give the devil a foothold in this."

Proof

This is a rough draft of the lyrics for a Vikarbyrgi song. The main idea is that, for those of us who are believers, it is usually to little avail to reason against the unbelieving, as each side will continue to find holes in the other's argument. The proof of God, the proof of the validity of His words does not come purely through empirical reasoning of any sort, but rather the application of it to our lives and the changes resulting thereof.

Mutually negating lines of evidence
Circular arguments
The mind cannot fight against the heart

The words that seek to verify the unexplainable
The unseen of the eye, by tangible means
Fall

The words that seek to nullify experiences
Wrought in silence, in solitude
More real than anything else
Fall

What better way to test a spirit
Than to live by it and watch changes unfold?
Unimaginable wisdom

To become self-aware

The proof is becoming like Him.

On second thought

Or, "Enough Isn't Enough pt. 2."

It occurred to me this weekend that most of us are simply responding incorrectly to an innate desire. We're supposed to understand that the things of the world aren't enough, and that we need something far greater. Normally I'm opposed to "God-shaped-hole" thought pertaining to the need for and purpose of salvation, but I must admit that it is true nonetheless. Those who have come close to God will desire less for their own comfort and more for what they truly need, but from those who know naught, naught is to be expected. Just the same, I still hope that the way I live speaks to someone, somewhere, at some time.

Vikarbyrgi

Vikarbyrgi is the name of one of my musical projects. It is named after a ghost town in the Faroe Islands. More information can, of course, be found on good ol' Wikipedia. The town was only recently abandoned, suddenly, and for reasons that few know or can guess. The project was originally named by Ethan Boyd, being its creator, mostly for the related nature imagery. To me, however, the name has taken on a new meaning, that being the flight that we who surrender to Christ are to make from our old way of living; suddenly, inexplicably.

We hope to have a five-song demo recorded by the end of the semester, but at the rate things are going, we can't make any guarantees. The plan is to entitle it "Concealed Hour." A (rather) rough demo song can be found at www.myspace.com/vikarbyrgi. I am only performing vocals on that one, but I have since been composing much of the guitar and lyrics and even some of the keyboard.

The style of the first full release will mostly be folk-influenced black metal with a decent helping of thrash influence as well. We hope to record the first release, Avaricious Eternal Dusk, in June. The material after that will be significantly more experimental, both in tonality and in song structure, less thrashy, and more grandiose at times.

We hope to get a slot at Cornerstone Festival this year as well. And once again, I will be sharing some lyrical ideas on here in the near future. I think that even those who won't be listening to Vikarbyrgi ought to be let in on what God has shown me.