Ancient Faith Radio

A great source of recordings of Orthodox chants and hymns, as well as spiritual messages and teaching on Scripture and writings of church fathers.
http://ancientfaith.com/

Turnaround

For a long time I was quite apathetic politically. To me, the government was going t do what the government was going to do, and none of that affected how I was going to live my life: following Christ.

But then several things changed. As I stated in an earlier blog, a few years ago I began praying that God would make me the best husband, father, brother, friend, etc. possible. I'm most certain He's been doing that (as much as I often tend to fight it). And then another thing happened....I met Haley. The more we get to know each other, the more we love each other, and the more real the possibility of getting married and having a family becomes. Suddenly I begin thinking: what kind of place do I want my family to live in?

And then the truth hits. I don't want a world in which the government is able to come into people's lives as it pleases. And when one gets right down to it...in the United States, the people are the government (for now). Which means I'm a part of it. I have a responsibility to do what I can to ensure that my voice and my participation in the political process reflects the basic tenets that the country was founded on; each person possesses the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Gone are the days of reactionism to conservative demagoguery and personality cults. I had friends who nearly worshipped Ann Coulter (a practice, which, believe it or not, happens among liberals as well); I had a roommate who praised Rush Limbaugh for telling guests on his show with whom he disagreed to "just shut up" (because that never happens on the liberal side [1]). It's time to look past the followers and see the principles for what they really are: advocating freedom from government control to all people of the country.

I guess this may mean more political blogs (once I become more caught up with "who's who" in the political realm). I'm not really "out of things to say" insofar as the spiritual realm goes. I greatly look forward to eventually obtaining The Philokalia, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, and other spiritual books. However, most of what I've learned lately hasn't been in the mind, but in the soul, as prayer makes the mind and flesh submissive to the soul, and the soul, in turn submissive to God. We'll see what develops as this process continues.

1. http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/08/07/obama-tells-economic-critics-way/

Dear Commander-in-Chief

You continue to laud the "brave sacrifices" of the victims of the terrorist attack (1) , as if they were willingly giving their lives for their country here. Don't get me wrong, I definitely believe they were brave men and women. But they did not "lay down their lives" for their country...because they shouldn't have had to. Our troops should never have to be concerned about being viciously attacked within America's borders, especially when there has been reason all along to have removed Mr. Hassan from military service (2).

You should continue to praise the diversity and courage of the victims, though. They'd probably prefer that you do that instead of admit that the idea that religious extremism and religion-driven terrorism does happen and is preventable, but we might have to drop our (read: not actually mine) policy of political correctness.

1. http://abcnews.go.com/m/screen?id=9030873
2. http://michellemalkin.com/2009/11/06/the-massacre-at-fort-hood-and-muslim-soldiers-with-attitude/

Liturgy And Recited Prayer (Hearing God pt 2)

The common Protestant objections: too ritualistic, no heart in it, no room for the Holy Spirit, salvation by works, is too much like Buddhism et al.

It is, I concede, completely logical to say that when Christ gave us the Lord's Prayer, it was meant as an outline, a basic guide to the things about which we should be praying. I agree with this, and have for a long time. We should have spontaneous prayers that apply to our needs and the needs of others. However, there is also something to be said for Psalm 119:97, "Oh how I love your law! It is my meditation all the day." Why does the psalmist meditate upon God's Law? Because by keeping his thoughts focused and silencing the "other self," he is able to let the totality of the Law become real in himself, and thus God's word nourishes his soul, straightening it to walk uprightly.

When emphasis is placed upon the thoughts of the believer, the believer's own feelings, emotions, then growth is stunted. Noise enters, because no one can keep his mind perfectly clear when not observing himself. It is like saying "don't think of an elephant." The first thing you think of, of course, without being in the position to diminish your thoughts by observing and dismissing them, is an elephant. Similarly, if one goes about the day thinking things like "I'm not going to lust" over and over, he has already surrendered his thoughts to this battle, instead of taking away the fight altogether, and by placing his spirit subordinate to the mind (and, inevitably, to the flesh), he has cut off his only possible communication with God and sets himself up to fail. (Damascene, Christ: The Eternal Tao).

The advantage of liturgy and recitation of prayer is as of yet unresolved. Mere recapitulation does not benefit the individual at all, of course; what is needed is the elevation of the spirit above the intellect and the flesh, and the submission of the spirit, in turn, to God. Keeping the spirit subdued prevents the man from truly communing with Christ; but once the elevation is accomplished, something needs to direct the soul where it ought to go.

Here is the advantage of such recitations. With the mind and flesh subdued, the spirit observes the thoughts and takes hold of that which it truly desires; and if one belongs to the Lord, the simple recitation of prayer and liturgy allows for one to continually redirect one's spirit toward God and the service and glorification of Him. These things do not "lose their meaning" because they are then not attached to the feelings, which fade, nor the thoughts, which become tiresome or boring. There is a completely new dimension which is ever renewed in Christ. It is no wonder that when in passing I ponder eternity I quiver in fear of thought of never ceasing. Yet my spirit rejoices to be in the Lord and wants to abide there forever.

Now, with the words, songs, etc already prescribed, there is no more need to continue to awkwardly search for the right words while praying, or to lead oneself in, as in the NIV, "babbling endlessly like the pagans." (Matthew 6:7), or as in the ESV, "heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do." One is then aware of, perhaps, how long one has been going, or what great Christian vocabulary one has used, or how easy it was to remember to pray for this or that, and pride sneaks in. There is no more need to contemplate what songs to play, what turns of phrase to use. Such care for variety is an appeal to the flesh and intellect, in any case.

Continually step outside thoughts and hear God. Step outside dependence upon thoughts and let your spirit grow and lead the mind and flesh in holiness and submission to the Lord.

The Other Me (Hearing God pt 1)

The first thing that comes to mind is Eckhart Tolle's speech on this subject, concerning the question "Who is this "myself" that I cannot live with?" I remember rejecting outright everything he said because of some of his views on Christ. However, now, a year or so later, I am starting reconsider this point. It came at a moment that was not even of terrible importance, but it opened my eyes to it nonetheless. As you may have read in earlier blogs, I have a habit of getting a large pizza at least once a week and eating the whole thing in one sitting. As I was on my way back to my apartment from a walk on Saturday, I was planning some things out. One resolution I made was (for financial as well as health reasons) not to get a pizza after church the next day, but instead to eat something I already had at home, most likely soup. Immediately I thought back to other times where I would make such resolutions, but then when the time came to enact them, I didn't want to and went against it.

Why? If I am, at this point, intending to go through with something, why is it that I am suddenly wishing something else at another time? It seems, indeed, that Mr. Tolle has a point; there seem to be multiple entities at work, and these can often be in conflict. "We are not our thoughts." In a book I am slowly getting through, Christ, The Eternal Tao, the author describes the same situation. The spirit, the mind, and the flesh are all at work, and each has its own will. It is the place of the mind and the flesh to be subservient to the spirit, and the spirit to be subservient to God. What hinders many of us from communion with God is that we don't understand how this works, or the need for it, and may be trying, as is natural to people who have grown up in a society based on the glorification of rational thought, to simply intuit our way to communion with God, to, as Winnie-the-Pooh would say, think think think our way through faith. The answer is far more complicated, and the answer is far simpler. The answer begins with self-observation, stepping back more and more often to observe one's own thoughts and emotions. By doing this we can hold on to the thoughts which are godly and destroy the thoughts that are not.

Stay tuned.

Edu-babble and Preparation for Teaching.

This week graduate students at Bowling Green State University are attending a program called "GradSTEP" (Graduate Student Enhancement Program). It is supposed to prepare us for grad school and, in the case of some including myself, to be teaching or research assistants. Today's sessions (at least, the ones attended by students from all departments) were entitled "Welcome to BGSU's Integrative Learning Community" and "Undergraduate Education in Action." Right off the bat, Eric, Steven (both fellow teaching assistants in the math department), and I figured that these would consist mostly of regurgitated edu-babble. For those unfamiliar with the term, this simply means vague and lofty words and phrases used to describe the college's "strategic planning" for the future of undergraduate education.

We were quite correct. The goals and implementation of strategies for the goals of the school still remain quite unclear after 2 hours of being stuffed down our throats. We did manage to garnish a few facts: apparently they expect us to do everything we can to make sure students don't fail (including referrals to various university agencies such as the Counseling Center) and that the school wishes to "integrate things learned outside the classroom to what is learned inside the classroom." Whatever that means. In one session we analysed two "scenarios" in which students were struggling with their studies. None of us three had any progressive solutions that these people were looking for; we were simply all for trying to contact the student about the issue but not pressing any further if the student proves illusive or averse to help. Eric did offer the suggestion of speaking to a student's advisor to see if the class is necessary for the degree, since the student obviously does not want to be there. I did agree with this idea.

During the second session part of our task was to break into groups of 3-5 and discuss how, as teaching assistants, we could enact the goals of the school in our lecture and lab times. Granted, we should have been a little more respectful to the speakers, but it was very tempting to quietly remark to one another on the more ridiculous points made before the discussion was assigned. we were therefore "proxied," where one of the leaders came and stood near us as we "discussed" our ideas for enacting the school's goals, which mostly amounted to "I will teach math." Therefore we were, of course, called on to share our ideas later on. I was considering speaking on our behalf against some of the silly hand-holding and vague strategies posited by various other groups, but Steven was first to stand and managed to BS his way through explaining how we could do as much as we could as math teaching assistants. I was impressed. We were all amused, also, at the boos that came when he first mentioned that we were a "cluster of math majors" and the dirty looks that ensued when he declared math to be "meta-knowledge" (which is, of course, true; it's very difficult to find a discipline that does not have some basis in mathematics). Apparently we're just heartless math teachers who don't care about enriching the learning experience of students; we want to give you the information and get you out of the way so we can go back to research and whatever else it is we do. My word...

After coming to a common consensus that "One major reason the undergraduate program as a whole here sucks is because it's run by naive, idealistic women and men with no spines" (my words), we went to a short demonstration in the math building (not terribly interesting but definitely preferrable to the aforementioned activities) and then got to leave. I got my office keys, finally, and checked it out. We'll have to get a refrigerator, but otherwise it's pretty nice. I'll be sharing it with Steven and another math TA named Keith. Now I'm on to preparing syllabi, first-day exercises, MyMathLab registration (an online program that will be used as homework), and the Blackboard (a tool in each student's personal web portal provided by the school) pages for my two sections of College Algebra I. It's actually a fun challenge, though time-consuming and somewhat exhausting.

Where there is pride, there is fear.

I think the title says it all. Obviously, fear does not imply pride, as rational fears, such as that which arises when one or one's relations or friends are in danger, are not prideful in any sense. I refer to an inhibiting fear, an unhealthy, irrational fear that keeps us from realising our potential. There is fear of rejection, fear of failure. These we are all aware of, I'm sure. But I challenge everyone to look inside themselves and discover the fear of being exposed, fear of weakness, fear of losing control. Why do so many of us remain trapped in our habits and addictions, even when we know them to be detrimental? Why do we hide our wrongs, our faults, from those we know just wish to help us overcome them? I venture to say that it is because our pride wants us to be the one to defeat these things. Pride does not want to ask others for help, and thus lose control of the situation. Is it not easy to see, then, the benefit of surrender? By yielding our control to the help of God and others that love us, we have freed ourselves from the insidious, destructive grip of pride and addiction.

Vikarbyrgi Progress and the Heart Growing Fonder...

This last week Ethan and I were able to take another step toward recording and publishing Vikarbyrgi's music. We recorded a demo version of the song called "An End To Duality." From it we were able to figure out what elements of the sound and process we needed to fix. It was a fun few days, and not without laughs, particularly because of our setup. For example, the bass drum microphone was set on top of a dinosaur puzzle box, which was then placed on top of an old egg carton. Another microphone was taped and hanging from the ceiling. All recording was done, of course, using a laptop and smalll interface (which we were able to purchase, thanks to Ethan's friend Alex, for 1/3 of the regular price).

We feel that we are now ready to begin recording the album. After the demo track was finally mixed, we were in the car and noticed that on other black metal records, the drum sounds were not always perfect either: sometimes the bass and snare were very hard to hear, which is the case with ours. Hopefully, though, this issue is resolved. Ethan will now be recording drum and keyboard tracks until I am able to return to Fort Wayne. Our greatest hope in all of this, of course, is that God would be glorified through our efforts.

Now on to my other recent thoughts...it is indeed true, absence is making my heart grow indeed fonder of Haley's presence. Though I don't know that would have, were we not separated for this time, I know that because of this prolonged absence I will never take her presence for granted. When I see her, it feels like a great weight is lifted from my chest. I have 4 days from today until I get to see her. After that, the times apart will continue to increase. I suppose I shall be that much happier to see her each time.

A Better Half

As you probably guessed from the title, I now have a girlfriend. It's been slightly over a month now, and it's been one of the best months of my life. We have so far been perfect for each other. We make one another want to do greater things, be a greater person.

The great thing about these things is that they are nothing like what you anticipated. There is so much to experience that one does not enough realise was out there. Now I see what is so special about it.

Of course, now, moving to Ohio from Texas, we are having to do the "long-distance" thing, one month and one day after entering our relationship. It's going to be a challenge. Now's the time when we must truly rely on God, more than ever.

Voice

The concept of voice is fascinating. It's unique. It's multidimensional. There are many ways to manipulate one's voice: tone, inflection, pitch, type. And even when these are matching between people, there is something underneath that still distinguishes the two, more so to the familiar ear. There are even differences in the male and female voice, to those who listen closely...it is possible, in almost all cases, to tell when a man or woman is speaking or singing, even if the pitch is shifted higher or lower. I at least find it funny when a woman says she "sounds like a man" just because a cold has her at the bottom of her register.

Then there is also the idea of voice within other forms of communication. Visual art, music, literature, reporting, debate...everyone has their own style. And in the same way that multiple people can recognise and mimic each others' uses of voice (in the sense of speaking) as they have more contact, their voices within composition may also converge as they continue to work together. Vikarbyrgi will prove to be such an instance; Ethan and I are slowly creating material that sounds more and more similar to something that the other would compose, thus allowing for much more ease of collaboration.

Stepping into the spiritual realm for a second...Jesus says that "my sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." As one has more contact with Christ, it is easier to distinguish His voice from that of an imposter.

Unfortunately I have no moral or clever tie-off for this weblog. I haven't done this in a while, so perhaps I'm a little rusty. I'll explain in my next blog where I've been...until then, God bless.

Prose: "A Girlfriend or Something"

So maybe a few of you will be able to relate to at least part of this. Enjoy.




Really loud noise what is that oh yeah my alarm get up find my phone 5:15 am hit snooze fall back in bed the fan has been going all night oh well another weird dream but not as weird as the first 5:25 turn off the alarm why is all this crap
________on my floor
_____turn on the light
____________open my laptop

make a bowl of cereal while_______ it _______ gets
out _______ of ________ hibernate _______ mode.
I hate getting up this early man the desk is a mess too and I'm starting to wonder if there exists somewhere a job someone likes and if there are such things as husbands and wives. This computer has been
running increasingly
s
__l
____ o
______ w
lately maybe I oughta give it a spyware scan it's.
Been a while damnit I forgot to put a stamp on this bill for the envelope,
oh shut up you know what I mean,
and take it out to the mailbox again. Check my email,
drink the chocolate milk left over from the cereal, get up to grab Pop-Tarts hey look I forgot to take the bowl with me to the sink again. I think I need

a girlfriend
or something
today's Toothpaste for Dinner was hilarious but the Married to the Sea was lame usually it's the opposite, weird.
I oughta tell somebody about that dream last night.
________No
____ you idiot
_______no one cares about weird dreams
__they don't even care about normal dreams
_____ and sometimes not even
____________________________ real
____________________ life
Like when I got attacked by that falcon defending its nest.
I didn't even see it coming it rammed
__________ the top
_______ of ______ my head
I thought someone threw something at me.
Haha that's funny but I'm pretty sure we don't have falcons around here.
Don't question me I know it was a damn falcon.
Ok, sure, hey Chris are you going to Bash's tonight?

Man, I've been lying on my back staring at the ceiling for a while now. The microwave says it's 6:02 so it's really 6:04.
Get up put jeans on pull the belt from the other pair feed it through the new one.
Find my work shirt, tuck it in, put deodorant on, brush my teeth.
The beard is coming back well enough.
Put socks and shoes on and make sure my backpack has everything because I have class right after work.
Turn off the lights, close the computer, shut the door, and lock it.
Head downstairs.
Turn around and run back up because somehow, this time, I remembered that I need to take that bill to the mailbox.

Professional

I suppose that it's a part of the ominous reality that I am, in fact, a grown man, and possibly to be a husband in years to come, and I thus need to act like one. I have decided that while a student and, in the near future, a teaching assistant, and then later on as an actuary (or whatever I end up doing), I ought to be dressing the part. Nothing too extravagant, but I don't see why I can't put on a button-down shirt and good pair of shoes to attend class in. I'll still attend other events (except church and other special occasions) in casual clothing, I'm sure, but I think it will be better to look sharp, to look like I take things seriously while in the classroom and at work.

This may be strange, but I was in part inspired by Hannibal Lecter (minus the cannibalism....I think...). The only time the man is not well-dressed, besides when in prison, is the mall scene in Hannibal where he's blending in with everyone else. He has class and wit. I want that!

Of course there's also that quiet notion of wanting to necromance the old tradition of being dressed up. We've all seen the old films, paintings, etc. We've gotten lazy in our dressing habits, and it's now no wonder that this generation is seen in such atrocious attire as it is. Maybe I can spark some change (since that's what the nation voted for, right?) Let's see what happens!

Sidewalks of aMErica

Despite the fierce winds and the snow this morning, I got to school using my most frequently utilised means of transportation: my size 13EEs. One and a half miles from my apartment to the first bus stop on campus that I come across, which is in front of the law school building. Two generations ago, that would have been an easy, leisurely stroll. It has become that for me, as well, by now, though sometimes the stiff fingers and cold wind across the face becomes somewhat irritating. Still, it's good for exercise, self-discipline, and saving money on gas and a semester parking pass.

However, now, with cars so readily available for purchase to practically anyone who wants one, and communities built in such segmentation that, literally, "nothing is close by" one's house, the thought of walking more than a couple hundred yards seems utmost preposterous, if not for reasons of how utterly strenous walking (or riding a bicycle) can be, then simply for reasons of the amount of time it takes. I agree, I also feel the direst need to sit around my house doing nothing until a few minutes before I need to be somewhere and then hopping in my car and disregarding the authority of the government and its regulations on how fast I should be driving in order to be there on time.

Thus I noticed this morning that sidewalks have become little more than decor, another relic of the past to be kept looking good for no particular reason.

And I love how we keep griping about how high oil prices are, as if there's an infinite amount of it underground and if production can't keep up with the demand, then it's the fault of the people producing it. It's also the ozone layers' fault for not being able to absorb the CFC's we put into the air. That, or cranking up my car this one time won't hurt that much, you know?

Many of my peers ridicule "tree-huggers." While I sometimes think their methods are humourous and...interesting, I still have more respect for them, because they are at least devoting themselves to needs other than their own. That is more than can be said to a number of people I share this school, this city, this country with, sadly.

More to come.

Workouts

It always unnerves me to go to work and watch many of the people in the weight room work out. It seems that most of these guys (there are occasionally girls, though they tend to stick to the machine weight room, whereas my job only brings me to the free weight room at times; no one monitors the machine weight room consistently. I tend to find many of my employers' policies rather inane at times, but that's neither here not there) are not doing their research before engaging in these workouts, but only doing what a friend or an article in a muscle magazine told them. This leads to improper form and useless performance of an exercise, and will prove a hindrance.

Granted, part of the reason I disagree with how most of them do things may be simply that our goals are different: most of them want to gain weight (though I honestly cannot figure out why) and look "jacked," while I simply want to stay strong and in shape (and about the same size, since I'm cheap and don't want to buy new clothes!)

But I cannot stress how important it is to know as much as you can about an exercise before performing it. Consult a coach, personal trainer, or other person who is knowledgeable about exercise, both its gains and risks. They can tell you the proper way to perform it, as well as if it will help you achieve the results you desire. I will say one thing: if the lift makes you look silly (such as holding a weight in each hand and twisting your torso so that you swing the weights around) then you probably should avoid it.

And as far as protein supplements go....I stay away from them, as nothing beats what the body was designed to use as nourishment: a balanced meal. But that's not as important to me as proper performance of lifts.

Now is when I would generally rant the day away about other wonderful habits of the typical Rec Center patron, but I will leave that for another time.

Where are we going?

It's official; I'm attending Bowling Green State University for graduate school in statistics. I was offered a teaching assistantship, which will cover the entire tuition cost and also pay my rent and other bills, in return for a few hours a week of teaching and assisting professors. I am extremely thankful to God and to the maths department admissions committee.

This is going to be crazy, of course. I'll be living in Ohio, many hours' drive away from almost all of my family, except my cousin Michael, who lives in Michigan. I'll probably end up with a new automobile before going up there, which will be a fun search in itself; I'm looking for something with comparable fuel mileage to my current one (25 city, 33 hwy) and is big enough so that I can fit comfortably inside it, not too many miles, and not terribly expensive. I'll probably also be finding a completely different church: I currently attend a Baptist church, and don't intend on leaving it until I leave Lubbock, since I'm a member of the musical praise team. However, when I get to Bowling Green, I plan on attending one of the Orthodox churches in Toledo.

It will be a bittersweet experience, leaving friends behind and being so separated from family. But I'm ready to embrace whatever God has in store for me up there.

Meditation

I know what most people, especially Christians, in the West think of when they read this word. It evokes an image of a little robed guru sitting in the lotus position, surrounded by burning incense, hands in funny shapes, eyes closed, and humming a bunch of nonsense. It is automatically connected with Eastern religions, and thus dismissed as either irrelevant or even occult.

*Movie announcer voice* Until now...

I find it unfortunate that it has to be this way. In my own times of thought and time with God it has occurred to me that such a practice is not only not inherently wrong, but it is, when applied properly, actually quite beneficial. Consider Psalm 46:10 (ESV) - "Be still, and know that I am God." as well as Matthew 6:5 (ESV) - "But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret." It is clear that God wants us to have a time alone, in silence, with Him, a time where we can listen far more than we speak.

Why meditation, then? Consider that the entire point of meditation is to gain spiritual awareness and open oneself to wisdom and connection with that which pervades the universe, and in some cases, such as Taoism, to destroy the ego, and thereby bring about an automatic selflessness. This is, as far as I can see, perfectly in line with following Jesus. While speaking has its place, listening is greater.

You don't have to sit in the lotus position, hum odd chants, or make hand symbols. The overall point is that you are getting still, silent, and isolated, and making yourself open to hearing from the Holy Spirit...the Supreme Pure One.

Tutor

I'm not sure which of these is more likely; that people associate the word "tutor" with "miracle worker," or that I'm merely witnessing another manifestation of our society's obsession with instant gratification. I've had my name on the tutor contact list with the Mathematics Department for several semesters now, and each semester several things have happened without fail.

One of these is that most of my clients I see only once or twice. Now, sometimes this is because they simply want some help understanding specific material for the upcoming test. But what perplexes me is that there will be the student that claims to be ridiculously lost in a particular subject, but is never seen nor heard from again, by me, after the first or second session, even when I try to contact this person. It seems that the results I delivered right away were unsatisfactory, and thus this makes it obvious that I'm not a good tutor. Patience may be a virtue, but it's un-American.

Another prime example supporting my hypotheses always occurs at the closing of the semester. I suddenly experience a flood of emails from terrified students who have been behind all semester and now need to understand it all a week before the final exam (this is not speculation; these are there own words). It should be pretty obvious, I think: if you don't get something when you do the homework, take quizzes and midterms, then you probably won't get it before the final exam. We can't make you understand a semester's worth of material in three hours. That's why it takes a semester to teach. To any students or friends/family of students who are having problems in a class: Get help early! I always tell my clients (that actually stick with me) that if (s)he is having trouble getting the money to pay me, I will gladly cut my rate back, because I want to help him/her.

Thankfully, this semester I have one client who is sticking with me. He's willing to take my advice, and though sometimes I have to go over things several times, he is able to figure out why I tell him the things I tell him. I still remember a peer that I tutored once several semesters ago, in business calculus. He commented to me, "You've taught me more in an hour and half than my teacher has in a month and half." That's the good thing about calculus: it's an actual cumulative course, as are other higher-level courses that few people take, so getting the fundamental concepts down can make the entire thing much easier. It does unnerve me, though, to hear about how little some teachers seem to care about their students learning, particular those that teach courses generally taken by non-majors of mathematics, and/or how little they seem to understand the material themselves, in order to be able to explain it clearly to their students. It does make me excited, though, to have the chance to be a teaching assistant and hopefully help reverse the "I don't get math; math sucks" mindset in some students' heads. And, if nothing else, the aloof and incompetent nature of math teachers will always supply me with tutoring clientele.

Accepted

I received an email today informing me that the graduate mathematics department at Bowling Green State University has granted me admission into their program. Needless to say, I am beyond excitement. The program is solid, and I have another reason for wanting to be at that particular school; namely, the fact that I will be very close to another Vikarbyrgi member, Ethan Boyd. If the graduate school (different from the graduate department) accepts me, then I can move up there and there can be a lot more collaboration on Vikarbyrgi's material (as well as material for other coneptualised projects and possibly even some that aren't even a thought yet).

I was disheartened when I received the rejection email from the University of Washington. I could, of course, go on all day about how it's a small program but in very demand, etc, but I believe the underlying thing to realise is this: it's not where God wants me.

Is Bowling Green where God wants me? I don't know at this point, as I am still waiting on a few more schools to inform me of their decisions. I am, however, very excited at the possibilities I now have. To be honest, I wouldn't mind that much if the University of Texas gives me a better deal, given that I dearly miss Austin, and everything it has that Lubbock does not. I have some good friends here, but I still would not pass up an opportunity to go somewhere else with more potential for growth and for using my talents to glorify God.

One thing I am also waiting anxiously for, now, is knowing whether or not I will get a teaching assistantship. This will be a massive financial help during graduate school, if I get it.

Show me the money

This is one of those things that has come in stages, but that's no surprise, because rarely does otherwise. The earliest point at which I believe I became conscience of it would be last April, or so. I was praying, and suddenly found myself making an all-too-familiar appeal: "Lord, I know she's out there somewhere. Please show her to me."

Of course, "she" is whoever I will (hopefully) end up marrying someday. At this point I was struggling very heavily (and it occasionally hits me still) with being lonely.

But something hit me in the face right then and I stopped, dazed. I then took a deep breath and asked "Make me who she will need me to be."

That right there opened a can of worms, of course, and has led to a whole new walk of life ever since. It doesn't just apply to being a husband; I ask to be the best friend, employee, co-worker, classmate, student, bandmate, son, brother, and even father one day. I feel this is the whole point of faith: not approaching God's will wanting to be sure that we'll be rewarded (here one may make the analogy to the scene from Jerry McGuire), but instead simply going on and receiving a whole new perspective. Hopefully it continues; the possibilities are scary and exciting at the same time.

Limit

These are the rought draft lyrics to another song composed for Vikarbyrgi. The main idea is pretty evident, I think. It is to understand that God has us where we are for a reason, and that if we are faithful and put our trust in His plans, we'll do more that we would ever have thought.

His heart was true.
He wished for more than his five (talents)
In order to return more for his Master.
So he toiled and sweated and bled

Until he was unrecognizable;
Yet he could no add a second to the day
Nor an inch to his height.
At last his knees gave way,
And he fell on his face before his Master.
"Why is it so futile for me to try
To acquire more to give to You?"

In the silence came the reply:
"Had you any more,
You would not be where I want you to be.
There is still much to do here.
Be content to do as much as you can
With what you have,
And I will be just as pleased.
I see the purity of your heart,
But do not give the devil a foothold in this."

Proof

This is a rough draft of the lyrics for a Vikarbyrgi song. The main idea is that, for those of us who are believers, it is usually to little avail to reason against the unbelieving, as each side will continue to find holes in the other's argument. The proof of God, the proof of the validity of His words does not come purely through empirical reasoning of any sort, but rather the application of it to our lives and the changes resulting thereof.

Mutually negating lines of evidence
Circular arguments
The mind cannot fight against the heart

The words that seek to verify the unexplainable
The unseen of the eye, by tangible means
Fall

The words that seek to nullify experiences
Wrought in silence, in solitude
More real than anything else
Fall

What better way to test a spirit
Than to live by it and watch changes unfold?
Unimaginable wisdom

To become self-aware

The proof is becoming like Him.

On second thought

Or, "Enough Isn't Enough pt. 2."

It occurred to me this weekend that most of us are simply responding incorrectly to an innate desire. We're supposed to understand that the things of the world aren't enough, and that we need something far greater. Normally I'm opposed to "God-shaped-hole" thought pertaining to the need for and purpose of salvation, but I must admit that it is true nonetheless. Those who have come close to God will desire less for their own comfort and more for what they truly need, but from those who know naught, naught is to be expected. Just the same, I still hope that the way I live speaks to someone, somewhere, at some time.

Vikarbyrgi

Vikarbyrgi is the name of one of my musical projects. It is named after a ghost town in the Faroe Islands. More information can, of course, be found on good ol' Wikipedia. The town was only recently abandoned, suddenly, and for reasons that few know or can guess. The project was originally named by Ethan Boyd, being its creator, mostly for the related nature imagery. To me, however, the name has taken on a new meaning, that being the flight that we who surrender to Christ are to make from our old way of living; suddenly, inexplicably.

We hope to have a five-song demo recorded by the end of the semester, but at the rate things are going, we can't make any guarantees. The plan is to entitle it "Concealed Hour." A (rather) rough demo song can be found at www.myspace.com/vikarbyrgi. I am only performing vocals on that one, but I have since been composing much of the guitar and lyrics and even some of the keyboard.

The style of the first full release will mostly be folk-influenced black metal with a decent helping of thrash influence as well. We hope to record the first release, Avaricious Eternal Dusk, in June. The material after that will be significantly more experimental, both in tonality and in song structure, less thrashy, and more grandiose at times.

We hope to get a slot at Cornerstone Festival this year as well. And once again, I will be sharing some lyrical ideas on here in the near future. I think that even those who won't be listening to Vikarbyrgi ought to be let in on what God has shown me.

Powerless

I'm sure those of us living in the States are aware of the widespread power outages and loss of running water occurring throughout the "Midwest" due to the onslaught of ice storms. President Obama did well by declaring it a national emergency and sending out teams to repair these utilities. My dear friend Amy was one of said victims. Thankfully I've been able to keep in touch with her over the phone. I was talking with her as her family discovered their water had been reactivated. I'm glad that that was the first thing attended to. People have lived for millenia (and some still do) without electricity, but no one ever lived very long without water.

Say a prayer for those involved.

Pogonotrophy

Pogon - "beard"
-trophe - "to feed"

As those who know me in "real life" or those that have seen pictures of me know, I've had a gotee for a while now. I shaved it this morning...but have no fear, it shall return. The plan is to allow the entire beard to grow in this time. It will take patience and fortitude. I'll have to keep watch and cut it back at increasing lengths as certain sections grow faster than others. Hopefully I'll have an adequate-looking full beard by March.

I don't have any profound or silly reasons for growing it. Some might think I'm doing it because it's the "metal" thing to do. I have loss most interest in being "metal" these days, anyway, as my attention shifts to other styles while remaining on a select few metal bands. I'm also not doing it to be "manly" because my idea of manliness is different from that held my a good number of my peers (hmm, there's another blog idea...). I'm simply doing it because I think I look much better with one. I don't like my babyfaced look very much (though it has improved since I've gotten in better shape).

I suppose I could also be doing it since I'll be able to get away with not shaving every day.

Theonymic

Theos - God
-onyma - Name

It follows the form of the term "patronymic," which means "derived from a father's name" (i. e. Johnson, Thompson, or as in Slavic cultures, the formation of the middle name by adding a gender-specific suffix to the father's name (I do not claim to be incredibly knowledgeable in this area, but I have read Dostoyevsky)). Thus "Theonymic" can be seen to mean "named after God" or "derived from God's name." It can be seen in the sense that "Christian" means "Christ-follower" or "little Christ." Hence, one's new name is derived from the term "Christ." Revelation is also clear that upon Jesus' return to earth, each believer shall receive a new name, known only to him and God. One may see it either way, or both.

It is the name I have decided to give to one of my musical projects. Some semblance of an idea of what is to come may be found at www.myspace.com/desertoak. However, only the song "Mirage" is projected to make it onto a Theonymic release (whenever one of these might occur) because it is most in line with the sound that pervades the other material I have composed for Theonymic and simply not recorded yet. "Cesspool" will probably be used in the project I was recently invited into known as "Faith and Faith Alone," which will be mostly a hybrid of old school death and thrash metal. Theonymic is projected to follow the thrash/fusion sound of "Mirage," though there will be much more development of each aspect of this sound in other songs.

Theonymic began mostly as a "progressive death metal" project known as "Desert Oak." I believe there may be a few out there who possess early recordings from this; if you are one of them, keep them to yourself, I prithee.

I will, of course, be composing all lyrics for Theonymic. In the coming days I will hopefully get a chance to post rough drafts I have of these. I see it as my calling to observe the inner thoughts and their relation to our approaches to ourselves, the events in our lives, others, and God, and this will become evident as I share what I come up with.

I would like to take this time to remind all readers that if you need prayer for anything, do not hesitate to email or message me.

Enough isn't enough

I watch my peers walk about the campus and wonder, "Why can't enough be enough?" Everywhere one looks, there are designer labels, flashy trappings, and, best of all, complaints about the inconveniences of life. I often feel a stranger as I refuse to sympathise with someone having a "bad day" for trivial reasons.

Why can't enough be enough?

There must be a lack of perspective. I cannot think of another reason why it isn't good enough to have clothing, a place to live, a car that runs, food, running water, electricity, good health, a college education, freedom of speech, people who love us, and, if you know Him, the chance to talk to God every day. I suppose we're all entitled to those things. I guess I have to get it through my head that these things are human rights, not privileges.

Demand convenience. Demand that your waiter/waitress be obsequious as possible. Don't dare buy a used car. Don't dare walk to school. Don't dare walk anywhere when it's cold outside. Don't dare make a lunch and carry a lunchbox when you can just buy food where you're going. Demand that someone else think for you, and demand that it be in high definition. Don't dare go without comfort or ostentatious indulgence. Life isn't worth living if you have to sacrifice.

I pray that I am merely misreading the prevailing attitude of this society.

Why can't enough be enough?

Welcome to my head. Enjoy your stay.